lately i've found out

i've grown to have a contempt for loud noise and loud speech. generally, i prefer silence and solitude to most other environments, and i have a newfound scant tolerance to any level of unnecessary noise pollution around me.

new songs

are turning out nicely.

relaxation technique tonight-
1) turn on aphex twin: selected ambient works, on repeat
2) read neruda poems online
3) continue putting off history assignments
4) enjoy

bread does not nourish me, dawn disrupts me, all day
i hunt for the liquid measure of your steps

8 1/2

indentations in the sheets

where their bodies moved but don't move anymore.

it's been a lot of interesting emotions lately.

thinking

lately i've been contemplating my idea of the attainment of true enlightenment. i'm not sure how to put this concept into words exactly, beyond the fact that all indoctrinations and assumptions from various obligatory societal structures need to be stripped away first. one dimensional assumptions on the nature of what is right and wrong and what we are expected to do with our lives. i aspire to someday be able to maintain an unfettered, pure perspective, in order to understand the true nature of reality.

i've been kind of coming to terms with the insignificance of all of us, how we are fine dust in some dark edge of the universe, yet self-righteous enough to believe we are part of the great cosmic order, we are more than these mortal shells, there are great plans for us after death, we are more than what we are. we all fool ourselves due to humans' capacity for abstract thought, like there are unseen forces at work that make this scattered, unpredictable world a little more tolerable in the end. i think the realization that none of this is the case, is the first step toward said pure perspective...

i had to struggle to see dean's figure

and he looked like god

i've felt the strange feeling of actually growing up as of late. everything seems to be leading to some great culmination, when i will be able to shed this tired existence and explore the land, know what there is to know, hear the stories and experiences of new people, know the real meaning of rewards, suffering, joy, elation, enlightenment... i've never been the type to settle down anywhere, to accept some sort of permanent indifference or passivity.

a change is needed. a profound one.

persephone / old rough draft

12/9/09

i stood in the center of a cold eggshell dream
wearing weathered lungs to speak
i guess i just don't know how to hold a smile
i will leave all the ships to sink

and you were all alone under a sea-swelled tide
blankets of hands waving goodbye
i felt so ancient and untied,
pressed in pages thrown aside

i was not ashamed

when you're left on hooks
like your cold weather clothes
the years just pass you by

i'll flicker like a falling
star smeared in the sky
and nothing will mean anything this time

i am not ashamed

untitled

worn hands will become a home
tear and decay, my murderous bones
cast me away with every wind
of patchwork lungs and a new inheritance

every dream, of blood and marrow
shouting and straining across
these lands like open pages, wordless
vacant hands, as one,
collapsing, folding away

one of my favorites

http://www.poetry-online.org/eliot_sweeney_ash_wednesday.htm

no homes for ghosts

i know what it's like to fade away
in thin air or in your brightest night
a heart can feel like murder locked in your chest
or pressed against your throat just right

our blood will burn through our bodies
till we're tuckered out and stretched thin
we'll tug all the leaves from the branches, the trees
the air is freezing on my seaside skin

your voice slightly shakes like it's caught in the rain
and the coast rolls on and never ends
i feel like a ghost with no air in my lungs
so i'll paint my eyes white instead

all your winter-clothes left the deepest marks
you're white and still like a stone by the shore
we could live alone, all grey like the snow
but our broken bones left trails far from home

lay awake like a child
with a diamond in your chest
with winter on your wrists
let your golden eyes slowly close with mine
i can't believe i'm alive again